I let myself down, too often.

I listen, watch, and observe my actions and more often than not I feel satisfied with the ways I interact with others. I try to be kind, keep my agreements, and follow through when I say I will. I’d like to think those I interact with feel or can say the same about me. I do not feel the same about the way that I treat myself, I find it hard to look inward and commit to myself, follow-through, and show kindness to myself. I’ve been trying to change this for a long time, others have noticed it when I talk about myself. 

I’ve always tried to see the good in the world, to overlook its weaknesses and believe despite the darkness there is always a shining light of opportunity ahead. Lately, I have wondered why it has always been so easy to look outward and see so much goodness and so easy to look inward and see shortcomings. Is it this hard for others too? Do you the reader look inward and see darkness instead of light? In my mind, it shouldn’t be this way, yet it is for me. 

I look at all the times I’ve let myself downtime and time again after setting a goal that would stretch me enough that I could grow. I’ve learned to justify my failure to follow through by lying to myself and my peers with reasons that are placebos to fix the moment. I know this truth about myself and it bothers me, heaps. I had agreed to myself to run every day in September, it’s currently the 7th day of the month and I have run exactly zero miles thus far.

Why didn’t I start running right away? I was afraid to start because I didn’t want to fail. The reasoning behind this fear feels justified, I don’t want to see how bad my fitness really is. I’ve heard it said before you’ll never know if you don’t start, I agree I’ll never know how I am unless I start today. Yet, when I want to start I make another excuse and put off my running for another day. 

In essence, this too is running, running away from an opportunity to change my life by becoming a stronger healthier me. Running historically has been something I’ve used to think life decisions through, starting running again could help me make better decisions. As a runner you are challenging yourself to run a certain distance, only you can decide if you are going to reach your goal of fall short of it. 

I know that I used a fitness-based goal but the goals that I fall short on are goals of all types and the promises I break myself are various too. If you too are challenged by letting yourself fall short of your personal promises start small and move forward.